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Ladies and gentleman, Lewis Black.

moonfoxed: Wouldn't it be awesome if Lewis Black was our president? I'm listening to him talk about politics and it's like.. that would be sweet. I'd listen to all the speeches.

Yes. Yes, it would.


"The most important part of travel is when you come home, because that's when you see your country with new eyes. I was amazed to realize that we are the only country, that tells the rest of the world, on a nearly constant basis, that we are the greatest country on Earth. And that is a little fuckin' obnoxious. And I know it's obnoxious, because if you were in an office, and there was someone there who came in everyday and said, 'I'M THE GREATEST FUCKER HERE! AND YOU SNIVELING SHITS WOULD DIE WITHOUT ME!!' I can guarantee you by the end of the week you'd have killed him, and eaten him, just so you could attempt to possess his power. The amazing thing is that there are people who have never left this country, who talk about the fact that we are the greatest country on Earth. How fuckin' dumb is that? 'Cause you don't know. If you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away everyday! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? HEALTH INSURANCE!"

"The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back!! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt. And you wanna get out there before the Christian Right finds out what we're up to and shits all over it."

"Why do Bush and his Christian buddies believe marriage is between a man and a woman? Because it says so in the Bible - the Old Testament to be exact. Of course, they've forgotten we have a thing in this country called the "separation of church and state" or, as I like to call it in layman's terms, "the tough shit law." But they also seem to have forgotten that the New Testament is the Christian Bible and the Old Testament is the Jewish bible. Please allow me to speak on behalf of my people: "Keep your fucking Christian Right noses out of our reading material!'"

"There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. Know how come I know there's no such thing as soy milk? Because there's no soy titty, is there?"

"Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I'm quoting, 'the pagans,' which is a motorcycle group. Feminists; he brought up feminists. He used the word even. 'God,' I thought, 'I haven't heard that word in a while. Did he really think it was feminists? Is that what upset God? That women, a number of years ago, had decided to leave the kitchen, and enter the work place, and demand equal wages, and demand power equal to a man? That's what upset God? That God looked down into the kitchen, and there was not a stew on the oven and the spice rack was in disarray. He said, I will SMOTE them!' And I couldn't believe it, he said that God had actually talked to him and said, these were the people. That was the reason. It was those people, and that was the reason God allowed this to happen. And I thought, 'That's odd.' Because God had called me 12 hours before, and he said, the reason he was upset was because of people like Jerry Falwell."


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